i swear...i dont understand anymore.....its like .....derron was right i ghess,...ic an see why he is so anti social......thats not good...but yet.....it keeps you from getting hurt.......well...maybe not..i cant be lonely...thats jsut hurting myself...but the ones ive entrusted with so much...leaned on..did so much for..did so much for me....never put anyone ahead of them id idnt already know......all of a sudden just leave me hangin on a limb by myslef....it hurts so damm bad....its liek i have to start all over..its easy for me to make friends...but nowadays..its...........just so hard to trust again...id otn want to push people away...never.....because i know how it feels...yet i have to shield my hard and open up just enough to read a person for their true colors...and not trust people so easily with my heart....its hurts because im so loyal to my loved ones...even if i dont see eye to eye with many of them...i never disrespect them, put others aheadf of them, lose interest for no reason, lie, steal, befriend their enemy, or anything liek that...but for some reason they detatch from me.....with no reason...or over defense....and my closest friends are so far away that i have no one to lean on....derron...i wish u were here so much.....i try tokeep myself busy, without over doing it....yet many times i do....and i forget that i need to confront my emotions head on...but i dont want to experience the pain...so i avoid it ...i know keeping things in isnt the best way...but i dont know what else to do right now...im praying that the future holds so much more...yet trying to be thankful for what i have now...even the lost friends because ive learned about people more and more, and learned about myself....my dad tells me i intrust people and open up too easily which is dangerous...and it is...id otn want to be vulnerable....but i dont want to be bitter and not able to trust anyone ...because the one person you c an trust you bmay turn away because u are afraid your heart will shatter again.....i just hope i continue to get stronger from all of this...and i am so thankful for the friends that Have remained the same, and the new friends i hope to learn more about.....
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
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3 comments:
what do you mean put someone else before you ?
does it mean that if someone has need of something your friends can provide that they should help tend to it because its puttin concern of that "new person" ahead of your own needs?
thats a bit selfish ...
i mean the reason people are around is to help each other and to help themselves as well ...
sometimes people come in and out of our lives....and sometimes we do chase people away ....
but we ALSO need to realize that if we are pushing people away at a rapid rate....then we should think primarily to ask ourselves why and not be so quick to point the finger ....
we always want to blame others and even our friends for our own fallacies....
unfortunately life isnt that easy ...
we need more to think to adjust ourselves than to make the people around us fit into OUR world....
i mean...
the world doesnt revolve around one man or woman does it ?
It is always important to verbalize your feelings to those around you that you care about that hurt you. It ia also important for them as your friends to understand and to empathize with you and to make an honest effort to rectify the problem at hand. It is never good for you to take one situation and apply it to others that follow. No two situations are the same and they cannot be handled the same way. When it comes to matters of the heart you have to be careful who you let in as you have learned time and time again. In life we all learn the same lesson and for others it takes longer to learn this. I know that you have been going through a lot lately and it is easier to just back into a corner and let life go on. But you have to take situations such as this and make them your building blocks toward personal and professional success. I know that if Derron was here to talk to you about it he would be saying the same thing. You a a good friend and not too many people can appreciate a person like you. I guess that is why we are so cool and close because we have a lot of the same thought processes and situations. I know that you will be fine and I will always be here to help with problems and to open a can of Whoop Ass on anybody that messes with my Er1 LOL....
uhh ur comparing me to Hiedi? umm ok.. im a bit confused.. so you created a blog and the first entry was about a situation involving only a small number of people... right? but it makes no sense to air out all the issues you have with everyone involved in a public blog, where the entire world has access to read it and then go and say, that people that aren't involved cant comment? so yah... i mean if you wanted the issues settled a long time ago, you should have done so. i mean only if you felt that the friendships were worth saving at the time... you have all of our numbers, email addresses... myspace and facebook at the time... etc basically, you could have hit us all up and we all could have handled this maturely, I just kinda moved on and was like wutever when people stopped hitting me up and stopped making sense. I felt our friendship was done... i guess you didnt see how bad we were failing as friends. Or how disturbed I was with some of your actions during the time i was living with you... i mean ur right about one thing... i shouldnt have went to others and discussed issues like i had. I think i did that because you tend to get easily offended, so i just never confronted you about it. Idk, but I'll shut up about that cuz its not like i was the only one saying shit cuz you did kinda put ur personal business out there so you cant get too mad that people know and talk about it behind ur back. I'm just the only one owning up to it. So i think you need to check the people you talk to... =/
I just feel like we're stuck in high school all over again which is the main reason why i tried to stay out of this drama and didnt speak up until now is because your blowing it up out of proportion.. its been wut 4-5 months now since the whole incident involving me and you and the other person? I dont get why its so wrong to befriend another person's friend in your eyes...? Well this is the way I saw it... and I told you this, we were bff's and I could tell you everything in my life... to a certain extent. I'm pretty sure everyone has at least one friend where they tell certain things to and go to another person for certain advice or info. So me befriending your "friend" kinda helped me in a way because i could actually talk to him on another level that I wasnt able to reach with anyone else... not even you, though I tried. trust me i had several times... but there's so much a person can understand when relating to another person who's background is opposite from the other person's. Idk if that makes any sense but basically I'm saying that we both grew up in two differnt backgrounds growing up, which limits us to better understanding one another to a certain extent. And I finally found someone who has a similar history and background which enabled me and him to click instantly. I tried to explain that to you and hope you understand... and i didnt mean to make it seem like i chose him over you. It just seemed as though you made me "choose" since you said he was "your friend" and made it seems like since you knew him longer and he was indeed your friend then I couldn't befriend him at all... but you know me. I easily get along with people.. i know its differnt for other people but I just can click with most people. I thought you knew that cuz this situation has happened before with many of your other friends you introduced me to... i think the main reason why ur mad about this is because like you told me before... you notice that the people you introduce me to just kinda stop hitting you up as much... how is that my fault? You can't blame me for their actions. And why would you invite both me and the other person over to ur place before the situation at question happened already knowing that its a huge possiblity that I might just click with "your friend" like so many others...? I still dont get why people can't befriend other people's friends... once again from your perspective...
Its not that i wanted to drop you as a friend... i just was going through alot of stuff dealing with the move and fincial problems and wut not and i know you are too... i just felt that the situation at hand occured at a time in my life where i was like this is the least of my problems and didnt really take it that seriously. I dont hate you and i dont dislike you Erika, know that as a fact. I just kinda dropped out of our old circles' lives because 1. i wasn't that great at keeping in touch, my fault. I'll admit that 2. i felt the situation was being blown up and it started involving more people that weren't even involved which pushed me away so i was like w/e. I guess we all could have done more, it is all of our faults i guess now that i actually sit down and think about it. Cuz this whole time, honestly, it was in the back of my mind cuz i have so much going on struggling with living on my own and bills. Not saying your not going through tough times too but who isnt? But yah I kinda felt that since I wasnt a huge part of our circle anymore after all that and moved I had already moved on with my life that i guess it was best to delete people off until i got things worked out. Clearly things arent worked out yet... basically just back and forth gossip... the old high school drama ways, pretty much... yawn...
Now I figure the reason why you created the blog and made the facebook note is pretty obvious that ur upset about my trip to Boston. I know it might sound like i just randomly got on the flight and jumped on to my next relationship but really I've been talking to that guy for awhile now. You already know that and that I liked him for the longest time, i just never told you the extent of it cuz it all got serious after me and you stopped talking so there was no way you would've known. But I thought it was pretty obvious tho that i was still talkin to him... So I know it must have came as a surprise now that its all out there. I actually feel really bad about it too, that u were the last to know. That's not how I wanted it to come out which was why I actually left him to tell u but he never got the nerve to get around to it before I went to see him... Well anyway I knew you wouldn't approve because I knew you two had a thing in the past so I never said anything. Why does it matter anyway? I knew you guys were good friends it wasnt like u were going to get with him or anything like that. Which is why I dont think its that big of a deal in general.
So yah... had to finally get that all out there... make with it what you want. Just know that email, aim, and the phone is an option too... and a smarter idea if you dont want random people not involved to comment or start talkin mess... but hey thats ur choice.
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